I saw her at a crossroad
She smiled at me
I smiled back and didn’t give it much importance
It happens every day
And nothing much happens every day

We met again on the same crossroad the next day
And the day after, and after, and after…
Then I tried to talk to her
She was paradoxical
She was there but not really there
Relevant but still irrelevant

She’s immaterial but I still saw her silhouette

When I knew her name I was… taken aback
I’ve never heard of this name before, Happiness…

I’ve lived my life all by myself

With no one to visit me on my darkest days
Tasting her name on my tongue was bittersweet

As sweet as fragrant white lilies 

But as lethal as poison
Little did I know it’s a once in a lifetime experience
No matter how addicting it got

But then she disappeared
I’ve tried searching for her
Waiting at the crossroad all day long
Trying to predict any possible path she could take
Tried to kill myself to see if she’s next to God
But I found no one up there so I just went back down
The addiction became an obsession
A pursuit

She is warmth in cold December days

She is morning in a world of midnight

She is the blood that my heart pumps

I tried to find her by numbing her existence on countless sleepless nights

Drowning her absence in alcohol and dreadful thoughts

Anxiety kicks in and all I see is black

Depression kicks in and all I see is red

But I still couldn’t forget that she exists and isn’t mine
I asked friends and strangers about her
They laughed
They said she’s always there with them
But I couldn’t see her
Some people would tell me she left a long time ago… and that they missed her
They couldn’t find her anywhere
Sailing the seven seas… all in vain
Though they had these strangely familiar orange bottles

I still need to find her
Never did I know the absence of a stranger would affect my life

I have never seen her

I have never dreamed of her

I have never thought of her

But she is essential to me

Without her, I have no reason to be

Months have passed since I last saw her
She still roams my mind
Her name echoes deep in my memory
Happiness, Happiness, Happiness…
I’m begging the voices in my head to stop shouting her name so loud
But they scream it even louder

She’s a stranger to me
I’m a stranger to her
I decided to ask people who befriended her
To arrange some kind of meeting
I wanted to see her again
They said she would come
But all I saw was emptiness

Until one day
I saw her silhouette
It was a Sunday
6 pm
The sun set and I finally saw more of her

She was not alone
I called on her
She turned and saw me standing there
I smiled at her
She smiled back and turned away
She didn’t give it much importance
It didn’t happen for a while
Nothing much happened after

By Abdo Saadeh

Abdo Saadeh is a nursing senior student at the University of Balamand and a Lebanese Red Cross Youth Sector volunteer. He has been writing since the age of 11 but performed for the first time with DE at the age of 19. He began writing because it was the only form of expression in which he did not face any difficulty, as he suffered from a stutter when he was younger. It helped him channel his emotions and deal with his problems, as it was a coping mechanism that helped him escape from the world when he needed it the most. 

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